I have been dealing with vertigo since about April of this year. Vertigo is definitely no fun, and can greatly inhibit an active lifestyle as it confuses ones balance and direction. There are times when I close my eyes and ask myself which way is up. However I've come to appreciate what it's allowed me to do in this time. I've been able to reflect on my life and realize what I really need and want to do with my life.
For the past couple of years I have been blessed with a job that I love doing, animating. It has always been my dream to make cartoons, and learning the art while getting paid for has been amazing. But money isn't everything. It isn't what I want, though I understand the need for it in today's society.
My boss once said that he could work 14 hours a day on the film I was working on without any problems. In my head I thought, "of course he can, as he is working from home and whatever hours he chooses." As time passed on my motivation for going to work, and doing the job waned. Eventually it came to the point where I dreaded going in to the office, and while there I'd imagine other stories or films that I'd rather be working on.
As the film progressed budget issues came up. We needed a way to make money, so I proposed that we do short films in order to promote the company and show that we see a film through from beginning to end. He said it was a fine idea, but would have to be done on our own time. So I recruited the help of a coworker and wrote several treatments and tried to push on ahead. When it came to the actual artwork and animation I was drained. I'd been spending all of my creative resources on the current film. My coworker, on the other hand, had no issue working on images for the short. Unfortunately, the short film has of yet, not been completed.
My love of the project began to fall even more as time progressed. Our hours had to be cut. My first thought came to money. We were all fortunate enough to receive a good salary, even on half time pay. Also, we were promised raises once we received funding. I didn't mind the cut so much at first. But then I got to working on my own projects and began to question my reason for going in to work. After a long day of work I only wanted nothing more than to escape from my life to another fantasy world that wasn't my own. Thus frustrating me even more. I'd think about Monday and get disappointed.
Our budget issues kept heading south until it finally came to the point that we would work without pay in order to see the movie through. I did not mind it at all to tell the truth. I loved the people I worked with, and we all shared a common vision of starting an actual film company here. It was a vision that went beyond the film because it will potentially allow more people jobs. These were my primary reasons for sticking with it for so long.
Finally vertigo hit. I was depressed at first. I only saw the words "NO." No income. No creative outlet. No way to enjoy games and movies. No life. I resorted to listening and watching youtube videos and eventually came across the video of Conan O'Brien visiting Google which is embedded below.
It may be hard to believe that my life changing moment sparked from this, but it did. I realized that I had a choice. Either to wallow in despair and self pity, or accept my situation and work with my current set of abilities.
I decided that although I can't drive and go to work I can still imagine, write, and do art. The three things I love doing the most.
And so here I am writing to whoever will read this blog. I still sometimes ask myself which way is up. But I am confident that I am heading in the right direction.
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